Exercises

23. Use transitionals, synonyms and pronouns for flow

Problem #1:

A succession of loose sentences unconnected by transitional phrases can create seemingly irrelevant logical leaps and make for laborious reading.

Problem #2:

A succession of sentences that excessively repeats words or phrases without pronouns and synonyms can be mind numbingly painful to read.

Solution:

Use transitional phrases, synonyms and pronouns to avoid

redundancy and irrelevance.

Transitions:

-Enumeration markers:

first, second, third,...(not firstly, secondly...)

-Spatial markers for description:

here, there, higher up, in the great room, under the tree

-Chronological markers:

then, later, suddenly, meanwhile

-Causal markers:

however, therefore, as a result, still, nevertheless, on the other hand, in contrast, instead, on the contrary, hence, consequently, accordingly, for this reason, thus, so

-Reiteration markers:

in other words, that is, to repeat, briefly, in short

-Illustrative markers:

for example, for instance

-Precision markers:

to be exact, to be specific, to be precise, more specifically, more

precisely

-Additional markers:

and, but, also, too, besides, furthermore, further, moreover, in addition

Markers are not the only way to create transitions:

-repetition of key words or phrases

-use of synonyms

-use pronouns

achieve continuity and avoid redundancy and irrelevance:

-Repeat key words

(dovetailed, anaphoristic, and epistrophic sentences): see rule #19.

For example:

"My opponent argues that this proposal would cost $3 million. Actually, the cost would not exceed $1 million."

-Use synonyms to encapsulate a previously stated idea:

For example:

In the last scene Jake risks his life for his friends. This heroism clashes with Jake's earlier cynicism.

-Use pronouns to avoid tedious repetition:

tedious repetition: The new Lexus six cylinder engine consumes amazingly little oil. Consuming small amounts of oil is one reason for the popularity of the Lexus six cylinder engine.

revised with pronouns: The new Lexus six cylinder engine consumes amazingly little oil; it also has more horsepower than any other sedan engine.

Exercise #1: Revise the following passage using transition markers to organize the descriptive details spatially, chronologically, and precisely.

Nathaniel Hawthorne modified:

Dr. Hiedegger's study was a curious place. It was a dim, old-fashioned chamber, covered in cobwebs, and sprinkled with antique dust. Several oak bookcases were there and some shelves were filled with rows of gigantic folios. A statue of Hippocrates was there as well. Dr. Hediegger was known to consult Hippocrates during his moral dilemnas with patients. There was also a tall and narrow, oak closet with its door ajar. A skeleton was there as well. A mirror hung on a wall within a tarnished gilt frame. It was rumored that the spirits of his deceased patients would appear in the mirror and stare at Dr. Hiedegger. A telescope was present as well and allowed a view into the farthest reaches of the universe. A microscope allowed a view into the intricacies of minutia. A half of a cadaver awaited Dr. Heidegger's investigation. The study was a place of discovery, controversy and epiphany.

Exercise #2:

Revise the following loose sentences and redundancies in this paragraph by using the appropriate transitional markers. Be careful not to overuse transitional markers so that they call attention to themselves. Some sentences will need to be coordinated or subordinated in order to avoid the unnecessary repetition of transitional markers.

Nick felt a strong urge to engage in socially useful work. Nick knew that he would not be satisfied unless he contributed to a community through socially useful work. The work he chose was that of teaching in a high school in a poor urban area. Teaching high school in a poor urban area resulted in much arduous and frustrating activity. This activity involved disciplining students, disciplining parents, involving the police, and busting students for drugs. The students hated school as much as the teacher. So much exhaustion and demoralization resulted that a breakdown was imminent. A resignation became necessary because of the exhaustion and demoralization experienced by the students and the teacher. Some valuable lessons had been learned by the teacher and the students.

Exercise #3: Revise the following passage using pronouns, synonyms, subordination, and coordination in order to alleviate the excessive repetition of certain words.

Noah is fond of hockey. In fact, Noah is fanatically fond of hockey. Noah has become so fond of hockey that he has neglected his studies. Not only has Noah neglected his studies but he has neglected his friends as well. Noah has actually told his friends not to speak to him during the hockey season. Noah is often without friends and bored after hockey season. Noah's senior project involved travelling with the New York Rangers and learning about the life of the NHL player. When he goes to college, Noah wants to play hockey for a big, state school. He trains for hockey in the off season. Noah lifts weights and runs in the off season to get ready for Division 1 hockey. Playing for a big, state school will allow Noah to get ready for the NHL. Noah believes he will make it in the NHL.

ANSWERS:

Exercise #1: Revise the following passage using transition markers to organize the descriptive details spatially, chronologically, and precisely.

Nathaniel Hawthorne modified:

Dr. Hiedegger's study was a curious place. It was a dim, old-fashioned chamber, covered in cobwebs, and sprinkled with antique dust. Several oak bookcases were there and some shelves were filled with rows of gigantic folios. A statue of Hippocrates was there as well. Dr. Hediegger was known to consult Hippocrates during his moral dilemnas with patients. There was also a tall and narrow, oak closet with its door ajar. A skeleton was there as well. A mirror hung on a wall within a tarnished gilt frame. It was rumored that the spirits of his deceased patients would appear in the mirror and stare at Dr. Hiedegger. A telescope was present as well and allowed a view into the farthest reaches of the universe. A microscope allowed a view into the intricacies of minutia. A half of a cadaver awaited Dr. Heidegger's investigation. The study was a place of discovery, controversy and epiphany.

Dr. Hiedegger's study was a curious place. It was a dim, old-fashioned chamber, covered in cobwebs, and sprinkled with antique dust. On the far wall two oak bookcases with the lower shelves filled with rows of gigantic folios grabbed your attention as you entered the room. On top of the left bookcase a statue of Hippocrates peered down on all who enter the room. Dr. Hediegger was known to consult Hippocrates during his moral dilemnas with patients. On the near wall to the right is a tall and narrow oak closet with its door ajar. Inside the closet a skeleton hung from a hook. Between the two bookshelves a mirror hung on a wall within a tarnished, gilt frame. It was rumored that the spirits of his deceased patients would appear in the mirror and stare at Dr. Hiedegger. To the left of the closet on the near wall a telescope was poised at an angle and pointed out the window to the right. It allowed a view into the farthest reaches of the universe. On the old, worn oak table in the middle of the room a microscope allowed a view into the intricacies of minutia. On the table a half of a cadaver awaited Dr. Heidegger's investigation. The study was a place of discovery, controversy and epiphany.

Exercise #2:

Revise the following loose sentences, redundancies and irrelevant subject matter in this paragraph by using the appropriate transitional markers. Be careful not to overuse transitional markers so that they call attention to themselves. Some sentences will need to be coordinated or subordinated in order to avoid the unnecessary repetition of transitional markers.

Nick felt a strong urge to engage in socially useful work. Nick knew that he would not be satisfied unless he contributed to a community through socially useful work. The work he chose was that of teaching in a high school in a poor urban area. Teaching high school in a poor urban area resulted in much arduous and frustrating activity. This activity involved disciplining students, disciplining parents, involving the police, and busting students for drugs. The students hated school as much as the teacher. So much exhaustion and demoralization resulted that a breakdown was imminent. A resignation became necessary because of the exhaustion and demoralization experienced by the students and the teacher. Some valuable lessons had been learned by the teacher and the students.

Nick felt a strong urge to engage in socially useful work ; he knew that he would not be satisfied unless his work contributed to a community. As a result Nick became a teacher in a high school in a poor urban area. This job resulted in much arduous and frustrating activity like disciplining students, disciplining parents, involving the police, and busting students for drugs. The students hated school as much as the Nick. Consequently, Nick became so exhausted and demoralized he resigned. Nevertheless, Nick learned that teaching young people to care about school takes dedication, determination, and patience he did not possess.

Exercise #3: Revise the following passage using pronouns, synonyms, subordination, and coordination in order to alleviate the excessive repetition of certain words.

Noah is fond of hockey. In fact, Noah is fanatically fond of hockey. Noah has become so fond of hockey that he has neglected his studies. Not only has Noah neglected his studies but he has neglected his friends as well. Noah has actually told his friends not to speak to him during the hockey season. Noah is often without friends and bored after hockey season. Noah's senior project involved travelling witht the New York Rangers and learning about the life of the NHL player. When he goes to college, Noah wants to play hockey for a big, state school. He trains for hockey in the off season. Noah lifts weights and runs in the off season to get ready for Division 1 hockey. Playing for a big, state school will allow Noah to get ready for the NHL. Noah believes he will make it in the NHL.

Noah is a hockey fanatic. He has become so fond of hockey that he has neglected his studies and his friends during hockey season. Noah has actually told his friends not to speak to him during the hockey season. As a result he is often without friends and bored after hockey season. In addition Noah's senior project involved traveling with the New York Rangers and learning about the life of the NHL player. Because of this experience Noah wants to play hockey for a big, state school in college. He trains for hockey in the off season. To be specific, he lifts weights and runs in the off season to get ready for Division 1 hockey. Playing college hockey will allow Noah to get ready for the NHL and he believes he will make it.